No lists. No resolutions. No Negativity.

This is the official annual notice from the Whiskers Family that you will receive no holiday card or letter reporting the glories and difficulties of Whisker family members in 2011.  In December 2008, we resolved, as you may recall, and our records indicate you were duly notified at that time, to stop mailing out the Whiskers Family Holiday Letter that the Whiskers had been sending to extended family, friends and acquaintances for fifteen years.   We also resolved to stop making New Years resolutions or producing "best of" and "worst of" lists for the ending year.  It's not that Whiskers have a shortage of vices or flaws that could use some tweaking, though sometimes its just easier to move and start over, and if anything, a "worst of" list would be all too easy in the midst of the Republican primary squabble, but We Whiskers are a proud lot, and we prefer to keep family matters within our immediate family, except for Sturgeon's blog which his therapist has encouraged him to continue writing despite the loss of many friends on Facebook.   Also, Sturgeon has refused to sit for a family portrait ever since his motorcycle accident, the one where he dropped his hunting knife in the parking lot on his way into Denny's and when he went to pick it up, burned his cheek badly on the muffler of  Karl Mekton's vintage Harley.   (Karl had to have the muffler replated.)  We appreciate the many holiday cards and letters that we have received, and from  one daughter who apparently needs to be reminded by her parents of our Lord's Birthday are yet to receive, and we often read your letters aloud at our dinner table and share your joys and tragedies as we reflect upon our own blessings.   Please do not assume from the fact that you are not receiving our Holiday Letter that you have been personally removed from our mailing list; or that we are not mailing the Holiday Letter because things have been so sad in our home this year due to Belinda's reckless behavior, the Mekton law suit, the loss of my job with the school district,  the death of my favorite Aunt Carol and that funk that Sturgeon falls into whenever he sees a newspaper or teenager.  I regret the serious tone of this notice, Sturgeon insisted I include certain legal disclaimers, but I wish all of you a wonderful 2012.    Shirley Whiskers for the entire Whiskers Family, thanks to Sturgeon and his therapist for letting me post on Sturgeon's blog!

Looking Forward to a Great Leap Backwards

Republicans, in general, and the Whiskers family, in particular, have much to look forward to in 2012.  The end of the Obama administration, the rise of an energized conservative electorate, the recovery of our stock portfolio, and the safe return of our daughter Belinda from her over seas mission in Canada as part of our chuch's economic prosperity campaign.  Nonetheless, it doesn't take much to send even the most optimistic and positive Whiskers spinning into a spiral descent of despair, even in the midst of such wonderful prospects, as if each of our hopes rising to the sun casts a new shadow of gloom: Perhaps the Republican Presidential nominee and inevitable next President will, as so many before have done, abandon their principled supporters and seek only to enrich their most powerful campaign contributors.  Perhaps the stock market recovery will be temporary and then sink low, so as to require Sturgeon to continue working well beyond his "retirement" date.  Perhaps Belinda will remain in Quebec, as she has threatened, and marry the Catholic welder who may have already knocked her up.  It is vital that we not succumb to such negative fears and embrace each rising hope as a child grasps a helium balloon until he or she releases it when distracted by the arrival of a birthday cake or costumed party entertainment specialist, like my nephew Ralph.   When I am disheartened, I find new heart by visiting Shad, my grandson, the unexpected gift of Belinda's overly friendly demeanor and inadequate knowledge of contraceptive devices before she returned to her home and church last year after moving to Atlanta for her unpaid internship with Coca Cola's Formula Protection Security Services Division.  Shad is a beautiful boy, who smiles and coos even while squirming in a dirty diaper!  That delight in his own waste brings a smile to every Whiskers, except Shirley, my beloved wife who has to change the diapers while Belinda is in Canada.  Shad is, as most yearlings are, selfish, self-absorbed, needy and irritable, so essentially natural Republicans.   His shrieks, his piercing cries, the gurgle of his vomit, all designed to bring uncompensated care from the compassionate weak and liberal caregivers who surround him, while strengthening his capacity for power, control and manipulation.   Shad has no New Years Resolutions, and needs none.  He is perfect and a model for every Republican and Whiskers.   If only he were eligible to run for President!

Do your loved ones love you? Ask a Republican.

Chances are, if you felt compelled to continue to the body of this post after reading the above question, you have good reason to doubt whether you are loved by those closest to you.   It's not such a big deal, really, so don't go all Abby on me.  In any case, chances are they love you pretty much as much as you love them, and certainly as much as any of you deserve.   Nonetheless, during the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years buying binge each year, we are bombarded with  non-stop images and stories about happy families, and nativity scenes involving the idealized barn in Bethlehem where Mary and Joseph took refuge from the taxing authorities of their time.   In the midst of all this colorful packaging, tinsel and emotional/purse string tugging, the detritus of actual family life - overflowing hampers, dishes poorly washed by unfulfilled passive aggressives, and arguments about cell phone usage, may make you feel that your own family sucks in comparison.  It really does, but Republicans are working hard to come up with a satisfying answer for you.

As you know, if you're scarily old, our Grand Old Party, went through a major transformation in the late sixties during the Nixon years.   Republicans were no longer confident of winning elections based on a platform of military aggression, abandonment of government sponsored benefits for working people and tax policies that benefited the super-wealthy.  A few visionary Republicans, however, realized that the GOP could embrace the millions of pale Americans who felt betrayed by the Democratic Party's embrace of the Civil Rights movement and post-Chicago 1968 tolerance of the anti-Vietnam protesters - the famous "Southern Strategy," though it had appeal to the pale and ersatz pale throughout our nation.   The "New Republicans," however, cared little about the old GOP values.  The New Republicans were themselves an amalgam of:  A) committed racists hiding behind insincere religious rhetoric and sincere fear of the growing power of dark skinned people, Jews and intellectuals, with the greatest fear reserved for Masonic Black Jewish College Professors in Islamic Urban Studies Programs, and B) folks with sincerely held religious objections to things that made them uncomfortable that they wrongly imagined to result from political machinations rather than cultural trends and demographic shifts.

It has not been easy for the GOP to balance these disparate forces into a machine that has won elections.  The Old Republicans basically have to feign an interest in the Flag and Apple Pie (forget Mom, too expensive) while developing ever new ways to portray their lack of compassion for humanity as religious freedom and economic liberty.   The New Republicans have to feign a love of darker toned peoples in order to pursue a Family Values program that itself seeks to impose on us year-round all the idealized families we see in TV Commercials and films during this holiday season.   No need to fret, new Republican visionaries have an answer.   The Heritage Society, first an Old Republican "think" tank that pursued "free market" policies, has a team of Chicago School moralists who are developing formulae that meld the compassion-less Christianity of New Republicans with the compassion-less greed of Old Republicans.   Their motto, "It's not enough to Know Nothing, We Strive to Not Care," has been embraced by syndicated talk radio hosts, and is rapidly becoming the unifying creed of the GOP.   The GOP has also developed a formula to address the question I posed above, about Love.   Basically, the more hours in a week that are devoted to your wondering about how much others love you, weighted to lost productive time, the less likely it is that you are loved.  Of course some of that is people not knowing how to express love, but if they can't manage to do it, what difference does it make?   Once you do the math and plug it into the Family Value Sustainability Matrix available at the GOP web site, you are assigned a Family Value Ranking Number, with particular Republican policies that are tailored specifically for your neuroses sent in a daily inspirational email or text to you, along with approved talking points.   Well, Democrats, time to stop caring and play catch up!    I wish you, whatever your Family Value Ranking, a very Happy, Spiritually Fulfilling and Boozy Christmas on behalf of me, Sturgeon Whiskers, and the entire Whiskers family (with FVRN of 67 percent!)

Test blog

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and you're not off to a great start.#

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I created this blog a few years ago but have only recently decided to activate it. I will, as the mood strikes me, share keen political insights, attempts at humorous commentary, and the ideas that randomly appear in the early morning before I have the good sense to censor them.