Chances are, if you felt compelled to continue to the body of this post after reading the above question, you have good reason to doubt whether you are loved by those closest to you. It's not such a big deal, really, so don't go all Abby on me. In any case, chances are they love you pretty much as much as you love them, and certainly as much as any of you deserve. Nonetheless, during the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years buying binge each year, we are bombarded with non-stop images and stories about happy families, and nativity scenes involving the idealized barn in Bethlehem where Mary and Joseph took refuge from the taxing authorities of their time. In the midst of all this colorful packaging, tinsel and emotional/purse string tugging, the detritus of actual family life - overflowing hampers, dishes poorly washed by unfulfilled passive aggressives, and arguments about cell phone usage, may make you feel that your own family sucks in comparison. It really does, but Republicans are working hard to come up with a satisfying answer for you.
As you know, if you're scarily old, our Grand Old Party, went through a major transformation in the late sixties during the Nixon years. Republicans were no longer confident of winning elections based on a platform of military aggression, abandonment of government sponsored benefits for working people and tax policies that benefited the super-wealthy. A few visionary Republicans, however, realized that the GOP could embrace the millions of pale Americans who felt betrayed by the Democratic Party's embrace of the Civil Rights movement and post-Chicago 1968 tolerance of the anti-Vietnam protesters - the famous "Southern Strategy," though it had appeal to the pale and ersatz pale throughout our nation. The "New Republicans," however, cared little about the old GOP values. The New Republicans were themselves an amalgam of: A) committed racists hiding behind insincere religious rhetoric and sincere fear of the growing power of dark skinned people, Jews and intellectuals, with the greatest fear reserved for Masonic Black Jewish College Professors in Islamic Urban Studies Programs, and B) folks with sincerely held religious objections to things that made them uncomfortable that they wrongly imagined to result from political machinations rather than cultural trends and demographic shifts.
It has not been easy for the GOP to balance these disparate forces into a machine that has won elections. The Old Republicans basically have to feign an interest in the Flag and Apple Pie (forget Mom, too expensive) while developing ever new ways to portray their lack of compassion for humanity as religious freedom and economic liberty. The New Republicans have to feign a love of darker toned peoples in order to pursue a Family Values program that itself seeks to impose on us year-round all the idealized families we see in TV Commercials and films during this holiday season. No need to fret, new Republican visionaries have an answer. The Heritage Society, first an Old Republican "think" tank that pursued "free market" policies, has a team of Chicago School moralists who are developing formulae that meld the compassion-less Christianity of New Republicans with the compassion-less greed of Old Republicans. Their motto, "It's not enough to Know Nothing, We Strive to Not Care," has been embraced by syndicated talk radio hosts, and is rapidly becoming the unifying creed of the GOP. The GOP has also developed a formula to address the question I posed above, about Love. Basically, the more hours in a week that are devoted to your wondering about how much others love you, weighted to lost productive time, the less likely it is that you are loved. Of course some of that is people not knowing how to express love, but if they can't manage to do it, what difference does it make? Once you do the math and plug it into the Family Value Sustainability Matrix available at the GOP web site, you are assigned a Family Value Ranking Number, with particular Republican policies that are tailored specifically for your neuroses sent in a daily inspirational email or text to you, along with approved talking points. Well, Democrats, time to stop caring and play catch up! I wish you, whatever your Family Value Ranking, a very Happy, Spiritually Fulfilling and Boozy Christmas on behalf of me, Sturgeon Whiskers, and the entire Whiskers family (with FVRN of 67 percent!)
As you know, if you're scarily old, our Grand Old Party, went through a major transformation in the late sixties during the Nixon years. Republicans were no longer confident of winning elections based on a platform of military aggression, abandonment of government sponsored benefits for working people and tax policies that benefited the super-wealthy. A few visionary Republicans, however, realized that the GOP could embrace the millions of pale Americans who felt betrayed by the Democratic Party's embrace of the Civil Rights movement and post-Chicago 1968 tolerance of the anti-Vietnam protesters - the famous "Southern Strategy," though it had appeal to the pale and ersatz pale throughout our nation. The "New Republicans," however, cared little about the old GOP values. The New Republicans were themselves an amalgam of: A) committed racists hiding behind insincere religious rhetoric and sincere fear of the growing power of dark skinned people, Jews and intellectuals, with the greatest fear reserved for Masonic Black Jewish College Professors in Islamic Urban Studies Programs, and B) folks with sincerely held religious objections to things that made them uncomfortable that they wrongly imagined to result from political machinations rather than cultural trends and demographic shifts.
It has not been easy for the GOP to balance these disparate forces into a machine that has won elections. The Old Republicans basically have to feign an interest in the Flag and Apple Pie (forget Mom, too expensive) while developing ever new ways to portray their lack of compassion for humanity as religious freedom and economic liberty. The New Republicans have to feign a love of darker toned peoples in order to pursue a Family Values program that itself seeks to impose on us year-round all the idealized families we see in TV Commercials and films during this holiday season. No need to fret, new Republican visionaries have an answer. The Heritage Society, first an Old Republican "think" tank that pursued "free market" policies, has a team of Chicago School moralists who are developing formulae that meld the compassion-less Christianity of New Republicans with the compassion-less greed of Old Republicans. Their motto, "It's not enough to Know Nothing, We Strive to Not Care," has been embraced by syndicated talk radio hosts, and is rapidly becoming the unifying creed of the GOP. The GOP has also developed a formula to address the question I posed above, about Love. Basically, the more hours in a week that are devoted to your wondering about how much others love you, weighted to lost productive time, the less likely it is that you are loved. Of course some of that is people not knowing how to express love, but if they can't manage to do it, what difference does it make? Once you do the math and plug it into the Family Value Sustainability Matrix available at the GOP web site, you are assigned a Family Value Ranking Number, with particular Republican policies that are tailored specifically for your neuroses sent in a daily inspirational email or text to you, along with approved talking points. Well, Democrats, time to stop caring and play catch up! I wish you, whatever your Family Value Ranking, a very Happy, Spiritually Fulfilling and Boozy Christmas on behalf of me, Sturgeon Whiskers, and the entire Whiskers family (with FVRN of 67 percent!)
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